Alien, or When you see an abandoned spaceship LEAVE IT ALONE

Title: Alien
Rating: R

Released: 1979

Format: DVD

Version: Director's Cut 2 disc edition

Run Time: 1 hour 57 minutes (1979 Theatrical Cut) 1 hour 56 minutes (2003 Director's Cut)

Purchased: Amazon.com
Price:$14.99


Plot according to imdb.com: When a mining ship lands on a planet to investigate upon a suspected SOS, the entire crew are unaware of the terror which they would unleash upon their ship. When a alien life-form attach's itself to the face of a crew member, the rest of the team act fast to try and separate the two organisms. Unbeknownst to everyone, this is the start of the terror which would affect every member of the seven person crew.

Plot according to Allen:  Innocent people are in space, they find an abandoned ship with a distress call.  Of course they decide to investigate.  People go crazy, and people die.  I don't want to give it away but one of the most bad ass aliens in cinema history is involved.

There used to be a time when the future was this bright happy place full of shiny metals and flying cars.  If you were in space your ship was crisp and clean.  Then Alien happened.  Everything is dark, dirty, broken, and gross looking.  It looks real.  Even over 30 years after it's release Alien still looks new.  The effects work.  The acting is great.  Everything looks timeless.  If they released this exact movie without any of it's other incarnations tomorrow I wouldn't think it looked cheap compared to the Harry Potters of the world.

A lot of that credit has to go to Ridley Scott for his direction and the decisions that he made. H.R. Giger's set and character designs were so ahead of their time that you absolutely believe that that is EXACTLY what aliens look like.  The music is pitch perfect for the mood that they were going for, it's there but it isn't there.  The dialog is sparse, but in all honesty if you are being hunted down by an alien that bleeds acid and has no reservations about eating your face off you probably wouldn't be doing much talking either.  That's why it is such a perfect movie - it's realism.  You feel for these people because you are these people.  Their actions in the face of danger is exactly what you would have done.  The scares work because of the perfect mixture of tension and realism.

Every time I mention this movie to my dad, he tells the story about when he first saw it in the theater with my mother and how she was so scared she left bruising on his leg.  And every time I watch it I believe it, because if I was watching it with someone that is probably what I would do as well.

Final rating: 5 out of 5

Halloween Hits: The Ring

Title: The Ring

Rating: PG-13

Released: 2002

Format: DVD

Version: Full Screen Special Edition

Run Time: 1 Hour and 55 Minutes

Purchased: Obtained when old roommates moved out and didn't take all their stuff.
Price:$0.00


Plot according to imdb.com: Rachel Keller is a journalist investigating a videotape that may have killed four teenagers (including her niece). There is an urban legend about this tape: the viewer will die seven days after watching it. If the legend is correct, Rachel will have to run against time to save her son's and her own life.

 Plot according to Allen: Some stupid kids die in the woods and a woman goes off to discover why.  When she finds out it was because of some haunted VHS tape that kills you seven days after you watched it, she watches it and then tries to figure out how to save her life.  Then she shows it to the man she loves and their son.

Growing up in Mormon culture you don't get to watch a lot of horror movies because of the "no R rated movies" rule so as a result when a PG-13 scary movie comes along it absolutely becomes the must watch movie until the next one comes along.  All I heard about when this came out was how scary it was and how I had to see it.  Because of my less than standard upraising I was less than enthusiastic about it which led to my only response was "That movie with the haunted tape?  Really?"  and as a result I put off watching The Ring.

When I finally did get around to seeing it, I will admit that parts of it were... well not scary but rather... tense?  yeah let's say tense.  Once again there was another creepy little kid that serves another reminder to never have kids.  The stupid sounding concept played out well on film and I really liked that it was set in Seattle, but really that was it.

The pacing was slow.  The characters absolutely some of the dumbest I have seen in all my life of watching Horror movies.  That aforementioned creepy kid?  Yeah I wanted to strangle him, especially because he was USELESS and only there to serve as a third "victim" for the tape.  I put victim in sarcastic quotes because honestly anyone who actually died because they watched the tape were well warned beforehand and it was their fault for not believing the people who warned them.

There were no deaths.  none.  Well okay there were like 2, but really there was none.  Now I understand that some horror movies can succeed without a high death count (the exorcist comes directly to mind) but if I am to believe that these people are going to watch this Deathtape I want a TON of people to die from the Deathtape.  I want a reason to be afraid of it besides just one random person I have no reason to connect with died from watching it.  Give me something to connect with... ANYTHING.

Yes the girl crawling out of the TV was cool and creepy.  I will give you that.  But one good scary scene doesn't make a good scary movie.  It makes a good short film.  Unfortunately this movie is about an hour and 40 minutes too long to be a good short film.

Now if I watch this outside of looking for a scary movie for a chilly October night I see an interesting allegory for how television is killing us slowly and deliberately.  It has a good moral to learn to just go outside and play instead of watching movies and television.  Unfortunately it sells itself as a scary movie (did you not read those wonderful puns on the poster up there?) and it finds itself in the Horror section of your video store and/or Netflix category and not in the Artsy Message section and as a result I can't really give it the positive rating you all think it deserves.

Final Rating: 2 out of 5

Halloween Hits: Amityville Horror

Title: The Amityville Horror

Rating: R

Released: 2005

Format:DVD

Version: Widescreen Special Edition

Run Time: 1 Hour 30 minutes

Purchased: Blockbuster
Price: $9.99



Plot according to imdb.com: George and Kathy Lutz and their three children move into a house that was the site of a horrific murder a year before. They decide to keep the house and try to keep the horror in the past. This is until, George starts to behave weirdly and their daughter, Chelsea starts to see people. What now follows is 28 days of sheer terror for the family.

Plot according to Allen:  A family moves into a house where people died.  The dad then proceeds to go crazy while going shirtless as often as possible.

As is popular with a lot of horror releases the last few years this one is a "re-imagining" of a popular horror movie of the past where they add more attractive stars and more blood and better visual effects.  In fact I am going to just assume that this is the first of that trend, which usually means they did it terribly.  And you guessed it, they really did screw the pooch here.

Full disclosure:  I have never seen the original from 1979.  The idea of a literal haunted house just never really appealed to me.  I just can't figure out why they would stay once all the weird stuff is happening around them.  Sure they have all their money tied up in this house and as a result feel some sense of need to stay but aren't their buyers remorse laws for this very reason?  You can change your mind, especially when your house is driving you crazy and making you want to kill your family.  Just move.

The main reason I own this movie though is one of it's few saving graces and that is Ryan Reynolds, more specifically his abs.  Normally I would make fun of an actor for being shirtless throughout one of his movies, especially one where his character complains about being cold throughout, however when they look like he does it is hard to argue with the logic that he NEEDS to be shirtless.

I suddenly understand gay men.

Another surprising turn is this movie's resident creepy child played by Chloë Grace Moretz who I am now officially convinced that she will be this generation's Drew Barrymore, hopefully without the drug addiction.  She has yet to really disappoint me in anything she has done, a feat not really seen in other child actors.  Sure her choice of roles may not be the greatest (see:  This movie) but she does what she can and provides entertainment where there really shouldn't be any.

All of the other kids though are wooden and annoying, and so really are the adults.  They are either emotionless and vacant or completely over the top and melodramatic as if to be making an Airplane! style parody of chintzy horror movies.  Even at an hour and a half it felt like it ran long.  The movie also seemed to rely far too much on the jump scare tactic.  I will applaud them for not going with the overly used bathroom scare, though that was pretty much the only of the regular offenders that they didn't use.

I think the single most annoying trait of this movie has to be that it is pitched as being "Based On A True Story".  No it isn't.  There is no way this is even remotely happened.  The only thing that might be remotely close to being based on a true story would be that a couple once bought a house on the cheap because someone died there.  Everything else is simply the stuff ghost stories and episodes of "Unsolved Mysteries" thrive on.

Honestly, this is just a regular run of the mill horror movie that isn't anything special, but for a cold October night you could do worse if you were to encounter the dreaded last minute holiday trip to the video store when all the really good ones are gone.  I can't really recommend it but I also can't find much of a reason to hate on it.  It just... is.

Final Rating: 2.5 out of 5

Rent or Everybody Must Get Aids!

Title: Rent
Rating: PG-13
Released: 2005
Format: DVD

Version: 2 disc Special Edition

Run Time:  2 Hr. 15 Min

Purchased: Scarecrow Video
Price: $4



Plot according to imdb: This rock opera tells the story of one year in the life of a group of bohemians struggling in modern day East Village New York. The story centers around Mark and Roger, two roommates. While a former tragedy has made Roger numb to life, Mark tries to capture it through his attempts to make a film. In the year that follows, the group deals with love, loss, AIDS, and modern day life in one truly powerful story.

Plot according to Allen:  a group of friends in New York deal with being gay, and/or having Aids all while constantly singing about it.  Their thoughts on life and love all change for the better when they meet free spirited drag queen Angel.

So as a straight male I'm not supposed to like musicals.  I'm especially not supposed to enjoy musicals that focus so intently homosexually charged as this movie and it's preceding Broadway show.  However it is the underlying message of Rent that I absolutely love.  Yes there are gay characters, but really they are just really normal people going through problems.  They could be animated asexual dogs and it really wouldn't be much different.  Yes there is the flamboyant and fabulous Angel  but instead of turning all the gay characters into a musical version of "The Birdcage" they are for the most part just like homosexuals actually are - NORMAL.

As I mentioned earlier there really is a beautiful message to this movie.  It is one that can apply to everyone.  Live your life for every moment may be your last.  It's important to go out remember that there is no day but today and if you spend your entire life worrying about the problems in your life you will miss out on all of the beauty around you.  Now let's be honest who doesn't need that reminder from time to time?

As a fan of the original show I paid extra attention to the music and I was generally pleased with the way they were done for the film adaptation.  As with everyone who has ever talked about this show I think my favorite songs were "Seasons of Love" and "No Day But Today", but at the same time there really is no bad song in this soundtrack, which there usually is at least one dud in a musical.

As with most musicals the goofy conversation turns to singing and dancing comes across a little silly but considering it's a musical you would have to be stupid to not expect that.  The ending comes across a little cheesy and a bit of a cop out to have a happy ending in a movie full of depressing and serious subject matter but again I can forgive that because in general the characters motivations and ideals are there and you can understand why it would happen the way it did.

So this isn't really a movie that I would watch on a regular basis, but when the mood strikes to listen to some catchy songs and be reminded that if people can be happy in the face of eviction, and AIDS then my problems are minuscule and I have no reason not to smile.

Final Rating: 3.5 out of 5

You may need help Forgetting Sarah Marshall but you will never forget Jason Segel's penis

Title: Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Rating: R, or Unrated
Released: 2008

Format: DVD

Version: Unrated Collectors Edition

Run Time:  1 Hr 51 min. (unrated is 1 Hr 58 min.)

Purchased: Scarecrow Video
Price: $9.99



Plot according to imdb.com: Peter is a composer and a likable sad sack who's devastated when his girlfriend of five years, Sarah Marshall, the star of a cheesy CSI-style crime show, dumps him. He weeps, he rails, he mopes. Finally, his step-brother Brian suggests Hawaii, so Peter heads for a resort on Oahu where, as he's checking in, he sees Sarah and her new beau, Aldous, a polymorphously perverse English rocker. The weeping and moping start again, until Peter is rescued by Rachel, a thoughtful hotel clerk who invites him to a luau and to hang out. Although he constantly runs into Sarah and Aldous, Peter starts to come alive again. Will Sarah realize what she's lost, and what about Rachel?

Plot according to Allen: See that above plot?  It's kinda like that but it's a lot easier.  Sarah breaks up with Peter.  Peter is broken.  In an effort to fix it Peter goes to Hawaii.  Sarah is in Hawaii. This complicates things because it is physically impossible to get over an ex if they are always there, especially when they are always there with a pompous douche like Aldous Snow.  He eventually meets some people and makes friends with the locals, who help him get over losing the love of his life.

While on the surface this movie is about the interactions between Sarah, Peter, Aldous and Rachel but really it is the whole cast that really make this movie work.  Paul Rudd is once again brilliant, Jonah Hill plays a wonderful and kind of creepy waiter to perfection.  And of course my absolute favorite characters are the newlywed couple played brilliantly by Jack McBrayer and Maria Thayer.  Really though there is no bad performance in this movie.

The straightforward story isn't anything you haven't really seen before in movies, but instead of focusing on a relationship that we have developed interest in seeing survive it takes a more interesting approach of the necessary growth that Jason Segel's Peter needs to make after the end of a relationship to become a happy person.  It really is refreshing.  I also can't stress enough just how much I love Mila Kunis.  There is a very short list of things I would not like to see her do.

Also refreshing is the fact that while being an R rated comedy the excessive female nudity has been replaced with male nudity.  You just don't see enough flaccid penis played for laughs and awkwardness these days.  Don't you worry straight men who are afraid the sight of a penis will make them gay there is plenty of breasts in this movie too.

A brief warning: While it is advertised as being from the people behind the 40 Year Old Virgin and Knocked Up, this is NOT a Judd Aptow movie.  He's a producer but really that is it.  It is Written by Jason Segel and directed by Nicholas Stoller.  I could write an entire essay on why this sort of advertising is immoral but I don't have the time and it would be really boring so I will save you the trouble of reading it.

Some jokes do get run into the ground, for example they show at least 38430983 clips from Sarah's show to show just how terrible CSI is that were funny the first time, but by the fifth time you just want them to go away.  As a whole though it was a really funny movie that really made me laugh from beginning to end.

Final rating: 3.5 out of 5

Blankman or A Prequel of Kick Ass

Title: Blankman
Rating:PG-13
Released:1994

Format:DVD

Version: A very basic DVD that is incredibly lacking, though honestly special features for this would be redundant.

Run Time:  1 hour 36 minutes

Purchased: Not a clue.
Price: I certainly hope I didn't spend actual money on this.



Plot according to IMDB: Darryl is a childlike man with a genius for inventing various gadgets out of junk. When he stumbles on a method to make his clothes bulletproof, he decides to use his skills to be the lowest budgeted superhero of all.

Plot according to Allen: Okay so the stereotypical socially awkward genius has his grandmother played by The Chief from Where In the World Is Carmen San Diego is killed by the mob and he slips off the deep end and decides he needs to fight crime.  His common sense stick in the mud brother becomes his side kick and eventually they thwart the mob boss and bring justice to the world.

So you know those movies you love when you are a kid but when you watch them again when you grow up suddenly you realize just how horrible your taste was as a kid?  Yeah I am pretty sure I hated this as a kid too.  It isn't funny.  It has a lot of chances to be funny, but it resorts far too often to ridiculous physical humor that isn't funny.  They could very easily be a good movie, I mean I liked it when they made it into Kick Ass.  Instead they decided that they needed to make a stereotypical Damon Wayans movie in that they take the easy joke and then drive it relentlessly into the ground.  Easily the best part of the movie is Jason Alexander as David Alan Greir's wheelchair bound boss, and really he is just playing a somehow more horrible and disgusting George Castanza.

I really don't understand why I own this movie.  There is no possible way I could have looked at this DVD cover and thought "I need to spend money on this right now!"  Even if I was horribly drunk as a fourteen year old kid, I would think I would have seen something else and immediately forgotten that this movie existed.  It is so bland looking and the description on the back doesn't look like it would have appealed to me.  Yes it is a superhero movie in a time when there were none but still, this movie should not exist.  There are very few movies I can't validate it's existence in my DVD collection this would be at the top of that list.  I seriously can't explain why I own it.  There is no amount of alcohol or drugs that would be able to consume that would encourage me to own this.  It truly is the most horrible thing I could ever convince myself to inflict onto someone else, never mind myself.  And yet I am leaving it on my shelf and I can't convince myself to get rid of it.


I have problems.

Final rating: -45 out of 5

The Fifth Element is Love

Title: The Fifth Element
Rating:PG-13

Released:1997

Format: Blu-Ray

Version: A very bare bones edition with no special features at all.

Run Time:  2 Hrs and 2 min

Purchased: I forget, but I think I bought it at Best Buy
Price: Let's say $15

 Plot According to imdb.com: Two hundred and fifty years in the future, life as we know it is threatened by the arrival of Evil. Only the fifth element can stop the Evil from extinguishing life, as it tries to do every five thousand years. She is helped by ex-soldier, current-cab-driver, Korben Dallas, who is, in turn, helped by Prince/Arsenio clone, Ruby Rhod. Unfortunately, Evil is being assisted by Mr. Zorg, who seeks to profit from the chaos that Evil will bring, and his alien mercenaries.

Plot According to Allen: Alright so there is this giant ball of evil out in space that is slowly coming towards Earth and the only way to stop it is with these magical stones.  In a race for the stones it is Bruce Willis versus Gary Oldman, just try and guess who is the good guy and who is the bad guy (hint: Oldman is the crazy and creepy looking guy.)  Along his way Bruce has the lovely Leeloo fall into his life and she becomes the key to the whole saving the earth thing.  So really it's a love story.

In all honesty I have always had a soft spot for the Fifth Element.   From it's vibrant colors and vivid environments to it's rich history and of course wonderfully simplistic story it really is a perfect movie.  It is Sci-Fi enough to satisfy any nerd, action packed Bruce Willis with a dash of a half naked Milla Jovavich for the guys that encapsulates a really beautiful love story for the ladies.  Yeah that's right that movie that features Bruce Willis digging through the chest cavity of a blue tentacled singer is a love story.

The action really is minimal in this movie, but it is perfectly timed to keep the pace at perfection.  Yes Chris Tucker is annoying as Ruby Rhod but you know what?  If the biggest complaint I can come up with is that a minimally used side character is mildly annoying but still entertaining I'm gonna go ahead and let that one slide on Allen's scale of awesomeness.

There is no real debate here - this movie belongs in your movie collection and your collection is not complete until this is there.  The only real debate is if you want to have this on Blu-Ray or DVD, and honestly even the bare-bones special feature free version that I have on Blu-Ray is a must own for your Blu-Ray collection though I am a little worried that the good folks at Columbia will try and hit me up for a double dip by releasing a special collector's anniversary deluxe edition with an entire second disc full of awesomeness and a somehow even crisper transfer that will run about $35 just to trick the early purchasers into buying two copies of the same movie.

AND I WILL BUY IT FOR IT WILL BE AMAZING!

Final verdict: 5 out of 5